Trusting the Baby Formula Companies

Yesterday I posted this to The Motherhood Project’s facebook page:

Brainwashing

….Much to the offense and disgust of some of our friends. (Sorry.)

I think that is the breast vs. formula debate wasn’t so pronounced then I would have received a different reaction.

But unfortunately, there exists a massive divide between formula feeders and breastfeeders.

When you promote breastfeeding, the formula feeders throw up their arms and cry ‘foul’, stating they have the right to feed their babies as they choose, and that many mothers ‘don’t have a choice,’ and that they ‘don’t love their babies any less for formula feeding’.

Apart from the fact that the WHO guidelines state there cannot be any formula feeding marketing for young babies… promoting formula then throws the breastfeeders into chaos because breastfeeding rates are already low enough.

Remember Piri Weepu, who was photographed bottle feeding his baby (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10783518) and the subsequent outcry?
The point of this was because it is becoming the norm to make bottles a natural part of our culture, when we should be accustomed to breastfeeding being the normal. Dolls are sold complete with bottle… not a breast! It is more normal to see mothers bottlefeeding, than to see shirts hiked up for breastfeeds.

I was once very brainwashed – I fed my baby formula and believed that not every mum can breastfeed and it is necessary to give formula in some cases. I believed that women should not be judged for how they feed their baby and every woman has the right to decide how to feed her baby.
I even started and ran a nationwide support group for bottle feeding mums, when several of us struggled to find accurate and non-judgmental advice on making bottles, choosing formula, and parenting with guilt. This group ran for almost two years and we had over 200 members. One day I’ll tell you about my formula-feeding story!


I know a lot more now. I certainly don’t know it all…… but from what I know, and from my new breastfeeding experience, I know that almost every mother CAN breastfeed her baby.
What lacks, and prevents this (and thus increases formula) is largely a lack of support and knowledge. Mothers are on their own at 2am, when their nipples are bleeding, baby is screaming, her toes are curling at the thought of another painful latch.
She doesn’t have the support and love that she needs to tide her through this painful, confusing and frustrating time. She doesn’t have the information she needs, and she certainly didn’t expect these complications.

Let’s be honest, hands up! Who actually knew what it would be like to breastfeed?
Who knew what complications could arise and what could be done to prevent them, and treat them?
And when you were faced with these issues, what support were you given? Some antibiotics, a cabbage leaf, advice to bottle feed, and maybe a pump?

If you were a solo mum, did not have the support of your family, or were faced with other difficulties, is it any surprise that you wouldn’t want to continue feeding? If every feed time made you despair  cry, want to avoid your baby, and your nipples bled, is it any surprise that you would opt for the bottle?

It’s absolutely no wonder that mothers declare that they are unable to breastfeed. It is not an easy decision, they will probably shed a few tears, feel immense guilt, endure more pain as the milk supply engorges before diminishing, and possibly face judgement from nurses, friends, strangers.

It is certainly not ‘easy’ to endure those bleeding nipples, recurring infections and mastitis, and I understand why thousands of mothers opt for the bottle after experiencing this. 
I believe our culture is also very lazy, we like to do things the easy way. I know many mothers who have chosen formula because they believe it is easier. But I know that if you have endured any problems, that going to formula was not ‘easy’, nor a decision made lightly, but it was a decision you made because it was ‘easier’ than fighting through breastfeeding.

The thing is, nothing about becoming a mother is easy. In fact, once you conceive (for many, even before this), it is no longer about you. It’s about your baby.
Pregnancy is not easy. It is exhausting. By the end of it, when your feet are swollen, your back is sore, you have a sore pelvis, you aren’t sleeping, it’s not the best interests of your baby to declare that you want it all over so lets take this baby out NOW. (Well, the sad thing is, that in some places, you actually can have the baby taken out at your will. But it’s not in the best interests of baby).
And when you’re in the middle of childbirth, and you’re into your 20th hour and you’re exhausted and tired and sore, its not in your baby’s best interests to pull it out NOW (unless of course, baby is distressed, that’s entirely different.) You have to keep labouring, knowing each contraction is bringing you closer.
When you’re desperate for sleep, it’s not in your baby’s interests to leave your baby in their cot while you go off for a nap.
When the going gets tough when you’re breastfeeding, it’s not in your baby’s best interests to give up because you’ve had enough.

If you are reading this fuming over my sheer cheek, know this. I have had well over 7 infections myself, each one accompanied by agonising pain, chills and other flu symptoms, tears and antibiotics. It is nasty. The last such infection put me into hospital for a week. Nurses and family alike asked me if I was going to stop breastfeeding now, but I know I was astonished at the thought! Feeding your baby (though agonising) can offer the best relief from the pain and move the infection faster. Plus, after getting through that, I wasn’t giving up!!! I know what it is like to bleed, to swear at the initial latch, to cry at the thought of feeding, to stand in the shower and look at your bleeding, bruised, peeling nipples, perched on the edge of massively swollen, red and painful breasts.
I know what it is like to accept defeat, to purchase your first tin of formula after agonising in the supermarket aisle over which one to choose. I know what it is like to be up at midnight, sterilising bottles, or mixing formula while your baby screams. I know what it is like to receive judgmental comments, to get the stares from strangers, to doubt yourself, to feel the guilt, to feel like you have failed your baby.

And I know what it is like to get through those very same complications and go on to have a successful breastfeeding relationship for two years with my baby. I have been on both sides.

So we can sit here and debate that mothers have to put their needs first or they can’t look after their baby…. and I agree. I just feel that our society has become so much about the ‘easy’ way that when the going gets tough, we give up too soon.
In all of those scenarios above, for the mothers who give up and go with the ‘easy’ option, there are mothers who ride through.

Are you right or wrong for doing that? Who has the right to judge you on that? Only yourself.

So that brings me back to the very beginning. If what I posted on Facebook yesterday, about formula companies brainwashing us, made you feel offended and attacked, then you are judging yourself.

I did not judge you. I did not attack you. I did not set out to offend you.

My intention for posting that image (and here it is again):

My intention is for us to LOOK at the FORMULA COMPANIES and their role in how we feel about breast vs bottle.

We shouldn’t be looking at each other, and judging each other. We should be looking at ourselves….. and the companies that have brainwashed us.

We should be looking back at our bodies, and the way nature intended parenting to be, and trusting our instincts (which is what The Motherhood Project is ALL about!!).

I love this article from Evolutionary Parenting where she states:

Dr. Wolf’s argument also misses one of the key things that many of us hear time and again: Women want to breastfeed, but through a lack of support, institutional blocks, and work, they can’t or don’t.  This is very different than nothing worth the effort, and this is what we need to work on.  There needs to be more support and policies in place that give women the chance to breastfeed.  Without that, we are doing all mothers a disservice.

This is why I will never stop saying the problem lies within the system. 

But I’ll take it a step further.  Even if you don’t want to support changing things so that you live in a more family-friendly (and woman-friendly) society and you like the status quo, why not push to make breastmilk more readily available for moms who can’t or don’t want to breastfeed?  We know that breastmilk was made for human babies, it what they expect to be eating, and no matter how good we make artificial alternatives, it will not be the same.  And as we seem to have learned with all our other processed and genetically modified foods, I doubt it’ll be better.  So why don’t we try and get them that?  Why must we have doctors and feminists so intent on supporting mass corporations making a profit at the expense of families?

And if you do want to push that – check out this: http://www.facebook.com/hm4hbnz

The idea of milk banks, and milk sharing, is heating up and spreading in NZ and I like that.

I despise the ‘Breast is Best’ slogan. It is tacky and gross. I read the other day that formula companies invented it, but I havent yet researched that.

Should we trust these companies?

*Have you read about the 15 tricks of formula companies?

*What about the Nestle` boycott?

*The formula melamine scandal?

*The dangers of formula feeding (also in the 15 tricks article).

Should we trust them? I don’t know.
I think formula does have a place. Just not a multi-million dollar, first choice place.

The thing is, breastfeeding is natural. Breastfeeding is first. It is not BEST, it just IS.

Anyway, now you know how I feel about breastfeeding.

Its not easy. It’s hard work. It’s painful.

It’s great for your baby. It’s great for you. It’s cheap(er)/free. It’s safe and natural.

It is the first choice for feeding a baby. And because I believe that, I will continue to promote it, initiate discussion, and inform on my Facebook page.

If you find that offends you, then perhaps it is your own judgement, guilt and personal feelings that are hurting you.

Because no matter how you fed your baby, let’s all agree that breastmilk is first. And lets all work together to make it the norm, the first choice, for our babies in NZ. Then perhaps the formula vs breastmilk debate will die, and we will no longer have sad/guilty/angry/defensive mama’s in our midst.

Controlling the Chaos

Controlling the Chaos

I was incensed to read a comment from a mother in a magazine, that having children is no excuse for a messy house. I’d quite like to know exactly how many children she has. And I’d also like to know the size of her bank account. Maybe that is a rude response from me, but the truth is that I know many mothers struggle with clutter, chaos and generally uncontrollable houses (I know I’m at the worst end of the scale!) and her comment just grated me! The thing is, that I doubt my mess would be half as bad if I had the money for a) a bigger house for my brood, and b) storage options that worked (you know, the ones that cost heaps of money, the ones you have pinned on Pinterest, the ones that have everything labelled and there is a place for everything). Because I know that if everything was organised and had a place, then I would have hardly any trouble keeping on top of everything!
I’d also like to know if she has any hobbies. It seems to me that mothers who don’t have hobbies have tidy houses. If you have a couple of kids, a dog, a small-ish house (which you love, but carry the burden of a mortgage) and a sewing table or scrapbooking alcove, then chances are your home is not as tidy as you would like!
We have a crippling mortgage, kids stuff everywhere, work stuff everywhere and hobby stuff everywhere. It is hard to keep everything organised when you are trying to store baby gear for your next babe. When you have toys for a 6 month baby and toys for a 6 year old child (and the toys for the kids in between!)
Contrary to what that woman probably thinks, most mothers with messy houses are not lazy, but simply overwhelmed. Not to mention the massive issue of being sleep-deprived and thus low on energy and motivation.

If you are finding the chaos simply overwhelming, frustrating or you no longer care, you are not alone. Tidy family houses are the minority!!
When you browse through your favourite home magazine, remind yourself that these houses, however real, have been tidied and then styled. Imagine if that magazine rang you and said they’d love to feature YOUR home in their magazine. Chances are you’d spend a few late evenings scrubbing, cleaning and tidying. Plus, take a closer look at your magazines. I’ve noticed alot of styling going on!!! They move the rug and desk closer to the bed, carefully arrange some shoes and a toy on the floor, and ‘casually’ sling a coat or blanket over the end of the bed. Thus when you look at the picture, you can see many things in this beautiful picture. But it’s not real!
Some parenting magazines have taken this on board in the last 18 months – have you noticed a few columns and competitions about mothers who get help sorting the mess?

If only we could all have a personal declutterer come and organise our homes! Right up there with winning lotto, aye?!

 

Shattering the SUPERMUM myth

Are you a SUPERMUM?

Know a supermum?

She has perfectly combed hair, and her make-up is impeccable. She has a beautifully dressed baby on her hip, a tidy house, a clean car, and a husband who changes nappies.
This contrasts to your baby sick-stained top, unwashed hair, dark eyes and the three piles of washing on your couch. Oh, to
be like her.

Does Supermum exist? No, she doesn’t.

Trust me, I have tried. I have had three babies under 3 years old, while working part-time, studying full-time, and doing a fair bit of community work. You may have come around and my floor was vacuumed and my kids were munching on organic home baked bread with homemade jam. You might have thought, “how does she do it?”. You wouldn’t have been alone.
Many mums asked me how I ‘did it’.

Did what? ..

Did it all.

Well, I have always been honest. You can’t have it all. Not only would that be greedy and a contradiction to the values I am trying to teach my kids, but it is actually impossible!

The minute you would have left, two of the children would have been embattled in fighting, resulting in me shouting. My partner would have come home, still annoyed with me over a fight we had that morning. There would have been no dinner ready at 5pm, and I would still have been up at 11.30pm, cramming for a management test due the following day. I may have collapsed in the shower that night, crying, for the life that wasn’t going to plan.

Which part of that is ‘super’?

And it would have continued. No clean clothing and a mountain of dirty laundry. Me and him fighting over money, intimacy, housework. Another essay due this week. Orders that need to get out and I haven’t even processed them.

I promise I have been honest. I have always said, ‘I don’t have it all. I am struggling.’
Some people laughed it off. Some offered to help. Some read between the lines, many did not.

Why do we think we can have it all? Why do we WANT to have it all?

We put so much pressure on ourselves. much comes from society. There is a perception/pressure that we should have well-mannered kids all the time, a tidy house, and hold-down work. If your child throws a tantrum in the supermarket, you get ‘looks’ as if you’re the worst mother in the world. If you have piles of clean unfolded washing on the couch, you feel guilty when visitors drop by. If you host coffee group you feel bad when you serve shop-bought biscuits instead of a homemade cake like last week’s host.

I know mums who would love to play with their kids, but spend their days tidying the house instead.

As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, we have a stigma that exists, that makes it hard to ask for help.
Asking for help makes people feel as though they are failures. Saying, “I am struggling” is a sign of weakness. Admitting depression can be greeted with scoff, judgements or criticisms instead of support.

We need to change this stigma.

The thing is, we’re all in this together. We’re all mums, wanting the best for our babies. Let’s stand tall and proud of that, and help each other through.

Lets be more honest with each other, for a start. Lets not gloss over how well our children are sleeping, if they are not. Lets not rush to hide unfolded washing when visitors arrive.

Talking about the not-so-nicer aspects of parenting and being more open about PND can be the first step towards helping each other and supporting other mums.

We can all be ‘supermums’ in a way! We should pat ourselves on the back when the new baby sleeps. We should give ourselves a high-five when all the kids are belted in the car, faces cleaned, teeth brushed, and you have all their lunches made. You should reward yourself when you have the house mostly clean and the washing on the line.

We can have it all – just not all at once.

What are your thoughts on ‘supermum’? Does she exist? Are you a supermum? Know one? COMMENT BELOW!